Bus rides have a unique way of telling me a lot about my self. Yesterday was no exception. I ran to catch the bus home and walked all the way to the back of the bus to take my usual seat, by the window. Taking that seat always starts out with the intention of observing the people in front of me without being observed. But of course, the only person I end up observing every bus ride is me. However, putting a spotlight on your self is scary because it immediately illuminates the areas you have been trying to run away from. And in my case, what I’ve been trying to run away from is The Void. Now this particular kind void isn’t an angry hole of depression and doom, but more of a nagging feeling that there’s something missing. Thankfully bus rides only last 15 minutes, and after the spotlight gets turned off, I usually go back to my comfortable life of routine where I run away some more. Well not this time. This is a list of five destructive things I do to run away from The Void. And hopefully writing this list will be a spotlight big enough to shine The Void out of existence.

*She/Her is I/Me. At some point while writing this it got painful to criticize myself.

5. Gossip: Everyone knows that it is wrong to gossip. Gossip shows insecurity and gossip makes you a petty person. But sadly, gossip is fun and the easiest social currency to obtain. There is nothing like telling a good, embarrassing story at someone else’s expense and receiving congratulations for it in the form of shocked faces and smirks. Knocking one person down means that she stands a little higher than them for the time being. Gossiping makes her feel in the loop and in control. Humans are social animals who base their self worth off of others’ responses to them. And social approval no matter how superficial is enough to make her feel like a winner for a few minutes. Fueled by the social approval, the void shuts it self down temporarily. Until of course the guilt kicks in and The Void reopens a tiny bit larger.

4. The Pity Party: The entire world being against her is a very, very good excuse for just about anything. Of course this excuse is never true, because the world quite frankly, doesn’t care. Despite the knowledge of this, The Pity Party seems to be a favourite way to run away from The Void. It allows her to vent out the frustration caused by The Void while complaining about something a lot more socially acceptable. The pity that is acquired from everyone forced to attend the Pity Party allows her to believe that she is the victim of something beyond her control. Fueled by the made up anger, the void shuts it self down temporarily. Until of course the realization of being an attention seeking phony kicks in and The Void reopens a tiny bit larger.

3. Procrastination: This is a side effect of the pity party. No self-pitying is complete without feeling tired and exhausted. After all, the entire world is against her! And as further proof that it hates her, it is bombarding her with a ton of work. So procrastination is the solution. Not only does it give the world the finger, it gives her time to rest and nurses her back to good health. Yes, this is the pathetic way that she justifies her procrastination to herself. In reality, Voids mean feeling empty. And emptiness is a lack of emotion. Feeling motivated comes from having emotion in her, and without that, she simply cannot be bothered. When the deadline is a few hours away, the emotion comes rushing back in the form of stress. Having a competition with time forces her to focus every ounce of her energy onto the task she must accomplish. Fueled by the self created stress and adrenaline rush, The Void shuts it self down temporarily. Until of course the mediocre results of half-assed work come back and the Void reopens a tiny bit larger.

2. Unneeded workloads: Unneeded workloads mean introducing herself to ten new hobbies that she is bound to quit within five days, making plans with people she doesn’t like to places she doesn’t want to go to, and committing to long term projects that she will quit in a few months. She takes on all these tasks because it her feel more important. Finishing them will reward her further with sense of accomplishment. Fueled by feeling important and a potential sense of accomplishment, The Void shuts it self down temporarily. Until of course, she ends up not accomplishing anything because she did things that she hated, and The Void reopens a tiny bit larger.

1. Excessive Consumption of Media: On good days she can be painfully pretentious. She prides herself immensely on consuming intelligent forms of entertainment such as quality books, music, and the occasional well thought out TV show or documentary. On running-away-from-The Void days however, all that pride is gone down the gutter. On any given Void Day she will be on a talk show or a reality show marathon. She will know bits about the lives of celebrities that she has never heard about, care deeply about the contestants on singing shows and watch the Disney shows with cheesy laugh tracks intended for 11 year olds. This type of media relaxes her like nothing else, because it simplifies it self to raw human emotions. She cries when a contestant gets eliminated. She laughs on cue with the laugh track. Fueled by the raw human emotions of the cheap media, The Void shuts it self down temporarily. Until of course, she finds her self watching the sunset at the end of a wasted day, and The Void reopens a tiny bit larger.

Phew. Well here’s hoping that someday my bus rides will shine a spotlight on the Void Free person I hope to become today.